The Time I Ordered A Cork Board


“How are you settling in, Zeke? The office is really taking shape! Are you missing anything?”

“A world globe that flips open to reveal a hidden gin bar would about top it off, I reckon.”

“Anything realistic and/or reasonable?”

“Actually and in all seriousness, I could really do with a second monitor.”

“Sure thing. Go ahead and order one. Whatever you need.”

“There’s space for a stripper pole and tanning booth in that corne…”

“Just order the monitor, Zeke.”


“Good afternoon, Sumjerkov Office Supplies. You’re speaking to Mike, how can I help?”

“Hi Mike. Yes, I’ve got an issue with the order I’ve just recieved.”

“Okay sir, what seems to be the problem?”

“I ordered a computer monitor a few days ago…”


“You’ve sent me a cork board.”

“A court board? What’s that?”

“A cork board.”

“A court board?”

“No, a cork board.”

“What’s that?”

“A board. Made out of cork.”

“Oh, I see. What seems to be the problem?”

“I ordered a 23″ computer monitor. You’ve inexplicably sent me a 17″ cork board.”

“So I can better direct your call, is your order defective?”

“Wh… huh? Is what defective?”

“The cork board, sir.”

“No… uh, no. It’s a cork board. It fulfils all the criteria of a board made out of cork.”

“So what seems to be the problem?”

“I’m calling about the monitor. ”

“The monitor, sir?”

“The monitor.”

“Is that defective?”

“Erm… yes, in a sense.”

“In what sense?”

“In the sense that I ordered a 23″ monitor and you sent me a 17″ cork board?”

“I’m not sure I follow?”

“No, quite.”

“If you don’t mind, I’m going to go ahead and pass you on to the order fulfilment team who can assist further. Could I take your name and order number?”

“Zeke Iddon. Order 8726.”






“…eke. I’m literally saying it out loud. Zeke. It’s one syllable.”

“Great! Please hold.”


“Hi, is that Zack?”

“Sure, why not.”

“I understand you have a problem with your… court board? What’s that?”

“Jesus. It’s a board made out of court. I mean cork! It’s a board made out of co… hang on, what? I don’t have a problem with the cork board. Let’s forget the damned cork board. I’m calling about the computer monitor.”

“What’s the problem with the computer monitor?”

“THE PROBLEM IS I DON’T HAVE IT! I ordered it and you sent me a court board. A cork board. Whatever! I NEED A MONITOR! CHRIST.”

“Ahhhhh, my apologies, Zack. I think I’m with you. It sounds like an order mix-up, which I’m able to rectify – can we send you out your original order of one Acer 23″ monitor by first class couriour?”

“Nah, forget the monitor. Send me another cork board. I’m getting addicted to them.”

“Well, we can certainly do that, but I can’t see how that would solve the pro…”


“Haha, yes, yes, we’ll get that right to you. Apologies for the confusion. Our courier will also pick up the court board as a returned item.”

“I appreciate it. How long will this take?”

“No more than three days, Zack.”


“Ah, you got your monitor then? Looks good.”

“Only just. There were some… hiccups with the supplier.”

“Oh, tell me about it. Sorry, I forgot to warn you that they’re pretty incompetent. We only use them because they’re cheap.”

“No worries, I’ve got it now. All’s well.”

“Speaking of which, I’m going to have to give them a call too. Bloody useless, they are.”

“Why, what’s up?”

“I ordered a cork board weeks ago, and it still hasn’t showed up.”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *