The Time I Hated Driving a Car

Following on from the last missive I wrote about driving, I’m pleased to report an update: I now know how to drive.

I have a car and I’m driving it. Nobody has died so far. I am hoping that this will continue. I’m yet to take my test, but fingers crossed nobody will die during that either, because I’m reasonably sure vehicular homicide would result in a ‘fail’ mark on the test paper.

In fact, I’m certain that it would, because a question about not killing people with a car came up in the theory test, and I answered that correctly (A: you should not.)

So with more confidence than I had a month ago, I can comfortably say that I am now an expert who is wholly qualified to talk on the topic of driving.

I’m sure the licensing authority will agree when I do the test, but in the mean time, here’s an essay entitled:


1. Cyclists.

2. My wife. Yes, I know that thing I just did was highly illegal, honey. There wasn’t any traffic around so it doesn’t really matter, does it? No, obviously I won’t do that on my test. Yes, whatever, you know way more about driving than me.  Look, shut the hell up and hold the beer can to my mouth. Closer. I can’t drink it while I’m trying to drive, can I? Shit.

3. My Sat Nav. I spent £45 on a piece of garbage that has a weird fetish for being stuck up a tractor’s arse.

The destination is 17.5 miles away on a normal road… but wait! Hold up, everyone! The satnav has figured out a 17.4 mile route across every farm in the county! Surely that’s better, right? Piece of goddamn shit.

“Settings: Do Not Include Slow Roads.”

Doesn’t make a difference, because technically, most single track roads in England default to national speed limit.

Think of that. You’re absolutely allowed to drive at 60mph down the road you see in the image above. Subsequently, a computer will take that as a given, whereas even a guy who hasn’t passed a driving test can see that you cannot drive at 60mph down this road unless you willfully beckon death.

Terminator 6: Skynet Subtly Gets Mankind To Kill Itself By Suggesting It Drives Full Speed Into Tractors 

I’d watch that movie.

4. Cyclists.

5. My wife. “Left! No, right! Sorry, left. I mean right.” is not a helpful prompt at a junction. I might as well listen to…

6. My Satnav. Haha, no. While it’s nice to have a definite left/right command while the passenger is alternating between both a hundred times per second, I kinda need it with some advance notice given I’m travelling at speed? Essentially, my satnav system’s main purpose seems to be letting me know which turning in my rear-view mirror I should have taken.

7. Cyclists.

8. My wife. I highly recommend her services. If you’ve never driven with a passenger who breathes in sharply and puts her hand on the dashboard every time you pass traffic or take a sharp corner, you’ve never driven. It really puts you at ease.

9. My Satnav. I’m going to throw it out the window tomorrow.

10. Cyclists. I’m going to try and hit a cyclist with my satnav tomorrow.

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