*Editor's note: The following is entirely unedited and presented in its original form.
~coughs intentionally~ Esteemed gentlemen,
Attached you will find the greatest short story ever written. Just the other day, I read it by my great-grandmother's graveside. She thanked me. I thanked her back by unearthing her, pinching her ass, and saying "you're welcome." I then proceeded to unearth some spot down the row, found some bloke who'd been rotting since 1974. Made him kiss my Great-Grandmother. 'Twas only a kiss, I swear it!
I live in Raleigh, NC USA. The story is "WHAT CARNAGE CHIEF GREEN HATH BEQUEATHED UPON THY SERVANT!" It was published on www.girlswithinsurance.com back in January '05
I don't give a flying fuck if you don't accept reprints. I like your site, and I want you to consider this piece, that is, if you have the balls. I don't want any monetary compensation, bunch of useless notes, really.
Well, thanks for allowing me the privilage of wasting your time.
Enjoy!
Your God,
Stephen W. Sommerville
Steve Sommerville- WHAT CARNAGE CHIEF GREEN HATH BEQUEATHED UPON THY SERVANT! -
"Papa, why do you have big breasts?" asked the bespectacled little angel, Jenny."Oh, Jenny, we have to make something clear. You no longer have to call me papa. Y’see, Sweetheart, I am a lady now, just like you will be a lady one day."
Jenny stared up at her father for several seconds, before giving in to laughter.
"Papa, you’re a boy!"
"No, no, I swear, I am a lady now. I used to be a boy, but now, I’m a girl. That’s the honest truth!"
"That’s silly, papa."
"I know, I know. Hey, listen, Jenny, you don’t have to call me ‘papa’ anymore."
"I can call you "mama?"
"Well, no, I...I. guess not. How about ‘Mapa’."
"Ma-pa? That’s so silly!"
"Hee-hee, yeah I know, I know. What can I tell you, Jenny, Mapa is a silly lady."
"I’m gonna tell Mama that you’re a girl!"
"No! Don’t tell her, it’s a surprise!"
Jenny held her hands to her waist and began mocking Mapa.
"I’m gonna tell! I’m gonna tell-ll"
"Jenny! No! Listen to your Pa...Mapa, I want mama to be surprised, she thinks that I was getting prostate cancer removed."
"What’s pro...prawscake answer?"
"Pros-tate can-cer, it’s a sickness, well, never mind, but mama thinks that I was very sick, and that the doctor had to cut me so that I wouldn’t be sick anymore."
"But you were sick, papa."
"Mapa."
"Oh yeah, hee-hee, Mapa."
"No, I wasn’t really sick, Jenny. Y’see daddy lost a bet. He thought that the Kansas City Chiefs were going to beat the New England Patriots. Well, he was wrong. So he had to become a lady."
Jenny stared at her father through her thick lenses.
"Honey, we can still have fun together, see."
Mapa pulled out a frizzy blue wig and placed it on his head.
"See! I’m a clown! Doo-doo-doo, doodoodoodoodoo, doo!"
Jenny giggled.
"Mapa, you need a funny nose, and makeup!"
"So I do, so I do."
Stephen and Jenny hopped into the blue Corolla, and backed out of the driveway, toppling the mailbox while at it.
"Whoops, silly medication."
They arrived at the party store, and walked hand in hand towards the isle with clown gear.
"Jenny! Look at this!"
"Papa, I mean Mapa, that is too red, get a pink nose!"
A family of four looked over at the man with 40dd breasts and the little girl.
"A pink nose, egh? Okey-dokey!"
Jenny watched as her father perused the isle in vain.
"Sorry, Jenny, I don’t think they have any pink noses."
Jenny thought about this.
"Maybe I can paint the red nose pink with my paint set!"
"That’s a great idea, Jenny!"
Later that evening
"Hi honey! Hi mom!"
"Oh my god, Steve, you...you are out of the hospital!"
"Ay Dios mio! What happen to you?"
"Oh, mom...I...I have a surprise. I am no longer Stephen William Sommerville Silvani, say hello to Stephanie Wanda Sommerville Silvani!"
Mother fell into his wife, Roberta’s arms. Stephanie laughed.
"Oh, mother, mother. Here, let’s get her over here on the couch. She’ll be fine. I’m sure they had sex changes in Argentina too."
"Steve! What...what is dis?"
"Es la sorpresa, la que esperabas."
"Que sorpresa!"
Roberta held her face in her hands; acting like it was the end of the world.
"Roberta! Look! Look at me!"
Her husband had the frizzy blue wig and the pink nose on.
"I’m a clown! Hee-hee-hee!"
Shaking her head in confusion, she ran to Jenny’s room, and ten minutes later went storming out the door, suitcase in one hand,
Jenny being pulled along in the other.
Stephanie, formerly known as Stephen Sommerville, smiled, and did a little happy, happy Bozo dance. He glanced over at his mother who was regaining her composure on the sofa.
"Hi, mom."
"Ay, hijo. Que has hecho, no, que he hecho yo?"
"Oh, mom, don’t be so dramatic. It’s no big deal. It’s still me. Like my boobs?"
Stephanie lifted up her shirt, revealing a black bra holding gigantic breasts which still had some scar tissue around the edges.
"No! No! NOOOOO!!!"
Mother made the sign of the cross and grabbing her purse, fled the premise.
"Well breasts, I guess it’s just you and me. And what about me, did you forget about me down here? Oh, vagina, dearie, I didn’t forget about you."
Stephanie entered the bathroom, and undressed in front of the mirror. She squeezed her nipples, watching in awe as they hardened.
Stroking them, she moaned upon being overtaken with such a pleasure that had been denied her for twenty-six years. Next, she waded through the brown, curly hair, and opened her lips and searched for the clitoris.
"Ohhhhh, that would be you..."
As the moisture increased, Stephanie let her fingers slide further up.
"Oh me, oh my..."
Overcome by the unbearable bliss, she fell to her knees, fingers sliding in and out. She maneuvered herself onto her ass, and brought her fingers to her tongue.
"Oh, this is so damn delicious!"
A mere four minutes passed, and Stephanie had come.
"Ha! I can’t believe they say it is so hard to get an orgasm! That was easier than spreading jelly on toast!"
She threw her clothes back on, and headed to the living room.
A note, which appeared to have been written in blood, was laying on the maple coffee table. It read:
Stephen, you must stop this nonsense. I’m coming back.
The letter was not signed.
"Hmmmm...Roberta?"
"No, but I will help you get her back."
There on the floor, squirming like a vicious snake was Stephen’s penis. Some bloody cartilage protruded from the point of dismemberment, like a tail. The eyeless head, spoke through the slit, though having to stop frequently due to all the excess and blood that came spurting out from time to time.
"Stephen, I gotta have you back. Look, you’ve proven that you are the ultimate Kansas City Chiefs and Royals fan, but now that time has come, to swallow your pride, and reunite with your family’Roberta, Jenny, and me, Pepe."
Steph looked down on Pepe, compassion shining in those dark blue eyes. He took the time to reminisce on the good old days. The two of them jacking off all over a Hustler Magazine, rainy nights under the covers fondling and being fondled, and seeing Roberta for the first time, imagining her buck-naked.
"C’mere you. I will swallow my pride!"
Steph picked up Pepe, and stroked his bold head. Then, in an outburst of realization, she thrust the penis inside her mouth, and began chewing amidst the screams of Pepe, the Valiant soldier.
"Sorry, Pepe (burp) but if you would’ve kept that up, I would’ve ended up sewing you back on, and we can’t have that,
now can we?"Her stomach rumbled in response.
*Editor's note: I think it's time I got out of this job.