Titty Biscuits - How may I help?

Beginning of December last year, I went to log on to the site's hosting platform and got hit by all kinds of messages saying how the company was moving everything over to new servers and it'd make things run smoother and it'd be better for its customers and blah blah blah.

I didn't really pay any attention because I was assured that it wouldn't require any effort on my part (I should point out that the phrase 'no effort on my part' is music to my ears), and that I should just be aware that changes were afoot and I would benefit from them. In fact, I was surprised that everything ran seamlessly and the whole site was ported over to the new servers without any incident whatsoever.

Only kidding! Nothing went seamlessly.

I'll spare you the details - over a month and a half later, I sat at my computer attempting to do my hosting company's job myself, manually.

Having about as much knowledge of techy web things as Jeffrey Dahmer had social skills, I could only get so far before having to contact customer services. My options for this were:

1) Send them an e-mail
2) Call them direct
3) Chat to them online.

So...

Chat Information - You are now chatting with 'XXXX'

Customer Service Chick: Hi Zeke. My name is XXXX, how are you today

Zeke: Hi XXXX. I'm fine and dandy, yourself?

Customer Service Chick: I'm great, thank you. How can I help you today?

Zeke: Well, I'm having problems transitioning to the new server. I was advised that it'd be done automatically ages ago, but nothing happened. So now I'm trying to do it manually, and getting nowhere. The diagnostic tool keeps flagging up my mailbox as being the problem, but doesn't say why or how to fix it.

Customer Service Chick: Can you please provide me your domain name?

Zeke: sure can: tittybiscuits.com

Customer Service Chick: Okay. (I get that response a lot when I tell people my address.)

Customer Service Chick: I noticed that you have not yet set the security question to your account. Please set the security question to your account, so that we can assists you further.

Zeke: Okay, I'll go do that now. Two secs.

Customer Service Chick: Okay.

Zeke: Done.

Customer Service Chick: Okay.

Zeke: Okay.

Customer Service Chick: To protect your account from unauthorized changes, can you please verify for me the answer to the Security Question:

Customer Service Chick: What is your mother's maiden name?

Zeke: Er... I thought the purpose of a security question was to not reveal it to anyone?

Customer Service Chick: We ask to verify the answer to the Security Question set on the account for security reasons. We take these security measures in order to protect your account and prevent unauthorized changes from being made.

Zeke: That didn't actually mean anything, but whatever - the answer is XXXX.

Customer Service Chick: Thank you for the authentication.

Customer Service Chick: Zeke, as your account is set to manual migration, you need to migrate your account by yourself by correcting the errors received.

(I figured she was going to divulge more, but minutes pass.)

Zeke: Well, I'm not sure what errors I need to fix. I've run the diagnostic tool thing, and it just says that my mailbox hasn't passed the QA (quality assurance protocol) - any pointers?

Customer Service Chick: You can ignore it and run the QA tool.

Zeke: Yes, which I've done.

Customer Service Chick: However, we cannot guarantee that the mailboxes will be moved to the server.

Zeke: That's okay, I'll take the risk and set up new ones if need be. But after running the QA tool, which I've done, I attempted to do a DNS repoint (move it to their new servers). Nothing happened.

Customer Service Chick: It will take 24 hours to complete the process.

Zeke: I know, it says on your site. I did try it, twice, and waited over a day both times. Do you recommend I try it again?

Customer Service Chick: No Zeke.

(Again, minutes pass. I was hoping she would go on, but... I don't know, maybe I expect too much of people.)

Zeke: So I should do nothing at all? Keep waiting? Even though I've already waited well over 24 hours after hitting the DNS repoint? Twice?

Customer Service Chick: Yes.

Customer Service Chick: If your account is still not migrated, you can contacted us.

Zeke: My account is still not migrated, and I have contacted you. It didn't seem to work. How long shall I leave it before I get back in touch?

Customer Service Chick: You can wait for 24 hours and if the account is still not migrated you can contact us.

Zeke: Despite the fact that I've already waited WELL over 24 hours?

Customer Service Chick: Yes.

Zeke: Twice?

Customer Service Chick: Usually it take 24 hours. However, it may take some additional time.

Zeke: The only problem is that I bet Axl Rose that I could get this mess sorted out quicker than he could release Chinese Democracy. I'm starting to worry he'll win.

Customer Service Chick: Is there anything else I can assist you with today?

Zeke: That's about everything.

Customer Service Chick: I only have your first name. Can I have your complete name for our records?

Zeke: Iddon.

Customer Service Chick: Thank you for chatting with us. Please feel free to contact us at any time. We are available 24x7.

Zeke: Enlightening. It was a pleasure.

Customer Service Chick: Bye!

****Operator has disabled this chat window****

Zeke: Gahhh.

Of course, 24 hours later and nothing happens. Just to recap, the problem I'm having is that all my site files have to pass a quality assurance (QA) test before they can port everything over (DNS repoint), and my mailbox keeps kicking up a generic error message at this stage. I've tried to ignore the QA error and do a DNS repoint regardless, but nothing happens. Repeatedly.

I fire up the old chat program and, as luck would have it, bump into the same Customer Service Chick. Wheeeee!

Customer Service Chick: Hi Zeke, I apologize for the wait time. My name is XXXX, how are you today?

Zeke: Oh, Hi. I spoke to you yesterday.

Zeke: I don't know if you remember, but I was having problems getting my site on your new servers.

Customer Service Chick: To protect your account from unauthorized changes, can you please verify for me the answer to the Security Question:

Customer Service Chick: What is your mother's maiden name?

Zeke: XXXX. < Censored. that isn't actually my mother's maiden name. It'd be awesome if it was.

Customer Service Chick: Thank you for the authentication.

Customer Service Chick: I apologize. What exactly seems to be the issue?

Zeke: Right. I'm attempting to manually migrate my site to your new server, after leaving you guys to do it for over a month didn't work. I've tried to flip the DNS a few times now, and nothing seems to be happening - I've been told to wait about 24 hours on each occasion.

Customer Service Chick: Okay.

Customer Service Chick: Can you please hold on while I check your account?

Zeke: Feel free.

Customer Service Chick: Thank you for your patience.

Customer Service Chick: Zeke, have you ignored the error message and flipped the DNS?

Zeke: Which error message? The one about my mailbox not passing the QA?

Customer Service Chick: Yes.

Zeke: Yeah, I ignored that and flipped the DNS. Or attempted to. I've tried this three times now, and zilch has happened on each occasion.

Customer Service Chick: When you click on the link 'Attempt DNS-Repoint Tool', again it will show the message that you have following error. Have you confirmed and re pointed the DNS?

Zeke: Yes, I did.

Customer Service Chick: Have you deleted the unwanted e-mails from the mailbox?

Zeke: Yeah, and backed up all the ones I need.

Customer Service Chick: Okay.

Customer Service Chick: Now, delete all the unwanted e-mails and then try to use 'Attempt DNS-Repoint Tool'.

Zeke: Yes. Which I've already done. This will be the third time I've tried this, you realise.

Customer Service Chick: Yes, I can understand your concern. However, one of the most important steps in the transition is the QA process. This process ensures that all of your account settings and files are migrated successfully. As your account did not successfully pass our migration QA process, you need to make some changes.

Zeke: What changes? So far you just keep telling me to ignore everything and keep hitting a button that doesn't do anything! Do I ignore the QA error or not ignore the QA error? I figure it won't let me do the DNS-repoint before I pass the QA, which it hasn't, so why will this time make any difference?

Customer Service Chick: Yes. To repoint the DNS, QA process should be successful.

Zeke: Which it isn't.

Customer Service Chick: Yes.

Customer Service Chick: Hence, please delete the unwanted e-mails from the mailbox, take the back up of the necessary e-mails and then try to repoint the DNS.

Zeke: Which I've done, three times, and nothing has happened because it still won't pass the QA.

Zeke: Should I try it again for the good of my health, then wait twenty four hours, then log back on here tomorrow when nothing has changed and start typing with my caps lock on?

Customer Service Chick: You can ignore all the error message and try to migrate the account right now.

Zeke: So the QA step ISN'T important? Right. So it'll work this time, when it hadn't the three times prior?

Customer Service Chick: Yes, it should work.

Zeke: Should, or will? Because I have tried the exact same steps you've just given me. Three times. I may have mentioned that before.

Customer Service Chick: Okay.

Customer Service Chick: It should work fine. However, if you still unable to migrate the account, then change the migration path to automated, so that we will look into it.

Zeke: I did try the automated thing, and that didn't work for a month. But okay.

Customer Service Chick: Zeke, in automated migration, it will take some to migrate the account as it needs to check all the files.

Zeke: Take some time?? A FRIGGIN' MONTH?

Customer Service Chick: We cannot provide you the exact time frame.

Zeke: Well, you can, because it does on your website: it says 24 hours. That seems like a time frame. With that in mind, does a month (over a month, actually) not sound unreasonable to you?

Customer Service Chick: Yes.

Zeke: Unreal.

Zeke: Fine, I'll try manually migrating it one more time before handing it over to you guys for another month.

Customer Service Chick: Okay.

Customer Service Chick: Is there anything else I can assist you with today?

Zeke: A couple of aspirin?

I do the same thing she keeps telling me to do: the same thing that keeps not working. Predictably, the same thing happens when I follow the same advice: the same nothing.

So I log on again. After 15 minutes of waiting (which is the average queue time, I think) I bump into a different agent.

Now, watch what happens. It's remarkable.

Ashley Scott: Hi Zeke, I apologize for the wait time. My name is Ashley, how are you today?

(Minutes pass)

Zeke: Oh, sorry Ashley. I nodded off.

Ashley Scott: Okay.

Zeke: I'm not fantastic, to be honest. Your colleague has been trying to sort out the problem I've been having, and we've gotten nowhere because she's inept. Perhaps you can help.

Ashley Scott: To protect your account from unauthorized changes, can you please verify for me the answer to the Security Question... (blah blah blah, we go through this bit which I don't really understand the point of since I've already logged in with secure data, and am now giving it to a human being who could make unauthorized changes to my acount.)

Ashley Scott: How can I help you today?

Zeke: I'm having trouble porting my site to the new platform.

Zeke: I left it on automatic migration for about a month, then I realised nothing was happening. So I tried to do it manually. I've tried 4 times now, and nothing is still happening. Nobody on your end seems to know how the hell to fix it.

Ashley Scott: Do you wish us to move your account manually now?

<I'm a bit stunned, it takes me a minute to reply>

Zeke: You can just... do that? Now?

Ashley Scott: If you would like me to.

Zeke: Er... let's do it?

Ashley Scott: Okay.

Ashley Scott: Can you please confirm me that you have back up of your files?

Zeke: I do.

Ashley Scott: Okay.

Ashley Scott: Could you please hold for 2 to 3 minutes, while I check this for you?

Zeke: Go for it, my man.

<2 to 3 minutes pass.>

Ashley Scott: Thank you for holding.

Ashley Scott: Zeke, I have migrated your account on new platform.

Ashley Scott: Please log into your new account at... (gives link)

Zeke: Oh.

Zeke: That's brilliant.

Ashley Scott: Thank you for the compliments!

Ashley Scott: Is there anything else I can assist you with today?

We exchange kind words full of the promise of enjoying the coming weekend, and part ways. Took the dude five minutes to sort out over a month's worth of pissing in the wind.

So, that's that.

Or is it?

Chat Information - you are now chatting with 'Kyle Jackson'.

Kyle Jackson: Hi Chardonnay . My name is Kyle Jackson, how are you today?

Enter Chardonnay, the depressed 14 year old. Kyle has none of it. Kyle clearly cut and pasted my name into the sentence above (you enter your 'name' in a prior prompt window before entering the chat), as it appeared in my chat window in a totally different font from the rest of the text.

Chardonnay: im okay i guess. a bit down. how r u kyle?

Kyle Jackson: I'm great, thank you. How can I help you today?

Chardonnay: just sum advise realy

Kyle Jackson: Sure.

Chardonnay: i was thinkin about gettin a proper website and Dot5 gets raelly good reviews but im not sure wether to bother

Kyle Jackson: In order to know the reasons for joining us, please go to the link: (gives link)

Kyle Jackson: Is there anything else I can assist you with today?

Chardonnay: is it hard to make a website? ive only got a facebook and a myspace and it took me l ong enuff to figure those out lol

Kyle Jackson: No. We will provide you with the SiteDelux tool. Using this tool you can create your won Web site. You will get the readymade templates to create your Web site.

Kyle Jackson: Do you have any other questions?

Chardonnay: do u have a website?

(minutes pass between replies for the rest of the conversation as I ask out-of-script questions. I sense he's trying to get me off the line, and so I instantly make it my mission to get the conversation as out of hand as possible while still keeping him tethered.)

Kyle Jackson: We will provide you with the Web site creator tool. You will get a free domain with your package.

Kyle Jackson: Is there anything else I can assist you with today?

Chardonnay: i dont know if i shud bother though. it mite be easy to make one but nobody ever adds me on faecbook or myspace so why waste the time

Kyle Jackson: I apologize for any inconvenience this has caused you.

Chardonnay: its not an inconvenence and its not ur fault i just dont think anyone likes me

Kyle Jackson: In order to sign up for a hosting account and also view our hosting features, please go to the link: (gives link.)

Chardonnay: yeh but i dont know whether itll be worth it. why bother if noone visits my site

Kyle Jackson: You can view your site visitor through the Stats tool, which we provide.

Chardonnay: which will alwayz say zero :(

Kyle Jackson: I apologize for any inconvenience this has caused you.

(a whole ice age passes, in which I leave him hanging.)

Kyle Jackson: That is up to you.

Kyle Jackson: Is there anything else I can assist you with today?

Chardonnay: i just wanted sumone to talk to but its ok i no ur busy

Kyle Jackson: You can contact our Phone Support at 1-866-XXX-XXXX

Chardonnay: oh okay! are u on that number or are u just on the internet support?

Kyle Jackson: This only the Chat support. If you have contacted our Phone Support, they will help you regarding this issue.

Kyle Jackson: Do you have any other questions?

Chardonnay: oh okay. if i do join and maek a website will you visit it?

Kyle Jackson: Sure. (YAY!)

Kyle Jackson: Is there anything else I can assist you with today?

Chardonnay: no thats made my day!!!1! thanks kyle xxxx

Kyle Jackson: Thank you for chatting with us. Please feel free to contact us at any time. We are available 24x7.

Kyle Jackson: Take care, and have a nice day!

I'll try to have a nice day Kyle... try to have a nice day while I'm SLITTING MY WRISTS IN A WARM BATH BECAUSE NOBODY WILL TAKE THE TIME TO TALK TO ME!!!!!

<cough>

Anyway, it seems that throwing these customer service reps off script is actually quite tricky. As we've seen so far, they seem to scurry back to 'is there anything else that I can help you with?' the second they feel uncomfortable, which is a pretty neat construct because it suggests that they've fully satisfied your needs already, and are trying to eke out anything else that might be troubling you at the back of your mind. Top stuff.

So my first attempt at beating the script was unsuccessful, although Chardonnay can at least look forward to Kyle's single traffic hit once she sets up her Beyonce fan site.

But if you can't beat the script, why not join it?

Kyle Jackson: Hi Zeke, I apologize for the wait time. My name is Kyle Jackson, how are you today?

Zeke: I'm great, thank you. How can I help you today?

Kyle Jackson: How can I help you today?

Zeke: To protect your account from unauthorized changes, can you please verify for me the answer to the Security Question:

Zeke: What colour is your hair?

Kyle Jackson: How can I help you today?

Zeke: I'm sorry sir, but I cannot continue this conversation before we go through the security procedures. This is to protect your account from unauthorized changes.

Kyle Jackson: Could you please provide me with your account username?

Zeke: I'm afraid I cannot divulge such sensitive information until the security questions are answered:

Zeke: What colour is your hair?

Zeke: Once you have answered your security question, we can begin to help you further.

Kyle Jackson: If you have not provided us with your issue, I am going to close this chat.

Zeke: Is there anything else I can assist you with today?

(many minutes pass, before a rapid burst of....)

Kyle Jackson: Thank you for chatting with us. Please feel free to contact us at any time. We are available 24x7.

Kyle Jackson: Take care, and have a nice day!

Okay, so that didn't work either. On the plus side, Kyle and his colleagues keep advising me to contact them at any time, and to feel free while doing so! How could I possibly turn down such an offer?

I log on again, hours later, and get met by the same chap! I had a plan in mind for the next conversation, but when I saw Kyle's name pop up again I was going to duck out of this one as soon as possible so I could log on again and try to catch someone different, but I couldn't resist.

Like all of these conversations, they are totally unedited other than cutting out personal info and extraneous waffle. With this one, I started flying by the seat of my pants, and had no idea where we were going.

It starts getting outrageous pretty damn quick....

Kyle Jackson: Hi. My name is Kyle Jackson, how are you today?

Hot_Stuff_69: I'm great, it's a simple question really... where do I sign up for an account? Are there any free trials running at the moment?

Kyle Jackson: Yes, we will provide you with the 30 fays money back guarantee. In order to sign up for an account, please go to the link: (gives me a link)

Kyle Jackson: Is there anything else I can assist you with today?

Hot_Stuff_69: It's an awkward question, but I'm going to come straight out with it rather than come into trouble later - what's Dot5's policy on pornographic websites?

Kyle Jackson: Unfortunately, we dot support pornographic Web sites.

Kyle Jackson: Do you have any other questions?

Hot_Stuff_69: Yes

Hot_Stuff_69: I know it's a big gray area, so I just needed to clarify: what does Dot5 class as pornographic, specifically?

Hot_Stuff_69: I've gone through all the website literature, and it isn't really cut and dry. I just want to know what the terms are before I sign up.

Kyle Jackson: As I told earlier, we do not support pornographic Web sites. We will suspend the Web site. In order to know our Terms and Services, please go to the link: (same link as the last one he gave)

Kyle Jackson: Is there anything else I can assist you with today?

Hot_Stuff_69: I read that site before I logged on - it doesn't state what is deemed acceptable. I mean, obviously, I'm not planning to host outright sex videos. That's be silly. But I don't want to start an artistic website featuring feminist erotica and get shut down three months later, if you see what I mean.

Kyle Jackson: Unfortunately, we do not support adult contents on our platform. However, you can upload the images if the images do not violate our terms of condition

Hot_Stuff_69: Sure, but the terms of conditions are pretty vague (after reading the legal page.) Outside the realm of outright porn, what is and what isn't acceptible?

Hot_Stuff_69: I guess what I'm saying is, is it okay to show female breasts? Am I going to get busted (pardon the pun) for that, and have my site taken down, if they (the breasts) are shown in a non sexual way?

Kyle Jackson: As I told earlier, Unfortunately, we do not support adult contents on our platform. However, you can upload the images if the images do not violate our terms of condition (yes, he does keep cutting and pasting phrases, and painfully so: his text in the chat window changed fonts dramatically, mid-sentence. He was clearly plucking stock phrases out of whatever handbook he was given for dealing with online customers.)

Kyle Jackson: Is there anything else I can assist you with today?

Hot_Stuff_69: I see what you're saying! But what I'm trying to ask is, what are the exact terms of condition on this matter?

Hot_Stuff_69: If Dot5 realised they were hosting a site full of breasts, would they tear it down on terms of condition? I make shed-loads of money with my art, and am looking to change server, and I don't want to jump to someone that's going to pull the carpet from under me.

Kyle Jackson: There is no separate documents for this. But it should not violate our terms of condition.

Hot_Stuff_69: So that'd be okay?

Kyle Jackson: No.

Kyle Jackson: Is there anything else I can assist you with today?

Hot_Stuff_69: No?

Kyle Jackson: Yes, we do not accept.

Kyle Jackson: Is there anything else I can assist you with today?

Hot_Stuff_69: By making sense?

Kyle Jackson: Unfortunately, we do not support adult contents on our platform. However, you can upload the images if the images do not violate our terms of condition

Hot_Stuff_69: I know, you said. But what is termed as adult content by your standards? Do you not host sites in which the webmaster cusses or has photos of someone flipping the bird etc.?

Hot_Stuff_69: It's the grey area I want to define before we waste each others' time by me signing up to a hosting plan.

Kyle Jackson: We do not accept any such contents. However, if it is for medical purposes, then you can.

Kyle Jackson: Do you have any other questions?

Hot_Stuff_69: If it's for medical purposes?

Kyle Jackson: Yes.

Kyle Jackson: Do you have any other questions?

Kyle Jackson: For more information, please contact our Phone Support at 1-866-XXX-XXXX

Hot_Stuff_69: Excellent. Medical purposes. So I can host a video which shows two people fuc... er, copulating, because I'm demonstrating the biological act of reproduction?

Kyle Jackson: Is there anything else I can assist you with today?

Kyle Jackson: I am sorry. It is not possible. For more information, please contact our Phone Support at 1-866-XXX-XXXX.

Kyle Jackson: Is there anything else I can assist you with today?

Hot_Stuff_69: What isn't possible? Copulation???

Hot_Stuff_69: We all doubt ourselves after a few too many, Kyle. We've all been there. But I've got many videos that show that copulation is indeed possible... I'd show you them, if I had a website to host them on?

Kyle Jackson: I am sorry. We do not provide any pornographic contents. For more information, please contact our Phone Support at 1-866-XXX-XXXX.

Kyle Jackson: Is there anything else I can assist you with today?

Hot_Stuff_69: YES! There is!

Kyle Jackson: Sorry for the typo * We do not support any pornographic contents.

Hot_Stuff_69: I know you're sick of talking to me, and you can get rid of me real quick if you could just answer my question:

Hot_Stuff_69: What do you (as a representative of your company) define as pornographic content? If I sketch a nude woman, can I put that on my site if I join up with you?

Kyle Jackson: Unfortunately, no. I would suggest you to look for other hosting companies.

Kyle Jackson: Do you have any other questions?

Hot_Stuff_69: So your hosting comany wouldn't host a nude painting?

Kyle Jackson: No.

Kyle Jackson: Thank you for chatting. Take care and have a good day!

Kyle Jackson: Is there anything else I can assist you with today? (?)

Hot_Stuff_69: What about a tourist photo of the statue of David?

Kyle Jackson: No.

Kyle Jackson: Thank you for chatting. Take care and have a good day!

Kyle Jackson: Is there anything else I can assist you with today? (??)

Hot_Stuff_69: If I wanted to host a website that focused solely on the works of the great artist Michelangelo, would that be unacceptable?

Kyle Jackson: Yes. I would suggest you to contact our Sales Department at 1-866-811-2548 for more information.

Kyle Jackson: Is there anything else I can assist you with today?

Hot_Stuff_69: Er... to clarify, was that a 'yes' to the question 'would it be unacceptable to put pictures of Michelangelo works on my site'?

Kyle Jackson: Yes. You can upload the images if the images do not violate our terms of condition I would suggest you to contact our Sales Department at 1-866-811-2548 for more information.

Hot_Stuff_69: Would a picture of the statue of David, one of the greatest sculptures in civilised art, crafted by Michelangelo, one of the undisputed greatest artists of the last two millenia, violate the terms of conditions?

Hot_Stuff_69: The statue of David HAS got his willie hanging out, after all...

Kyle thusly terminated the conversation. The way things were going, I don't actually blame him.

To summarize, I'm not sure where the hell I stand with the company that hosts my site. I wasn't planning to put any porn up here, but what if I wanted Titty Biscuits to become a medical resource showing how humans reproduce? Could I get away with it in the righteous name of furthering education ? Conversely, I drew this picture for my webcomic a while back. All those towers look vaguely phallic, if you ask me... am I "uploading the images if the images do not violate our terms of condition" or not?

The answers to these questions, and more, won't be found out until I'm taken off the air for some arbitrary rule I may or may not be breaking while on a server that I may or may not have successfully migrated my site to.

Tits and bums ahoy,

Zeke @ Titty Biscuits.Com.