Conversations With Mrs. Iddon, Pt. 1

—- New Kettle —-

“We need to replace that kettle. They do the same model in town for £25.”

“The same model? That’s pretty good.”

“Yeah, Russell Brand.”

“That’s the comedian. You mean Russell Hobbs.”

“No, I mean Russell Howard.”

“Also a comedian. It’s Russell Hobbs.”

“George Foreman.”

“He makes the grills.”

“George Formby, then.”

“Musician. The make of the kettle is Russell Hobbs.”

“Huh.”

<Walks away. Comes back five minutes later.>

“It’s nothing to do with a Russell, is it?”

“Nah, it’s Morphy Richards.”

“It’s Morphy Richards.”

 

—- Watching Puss In Boots —-

 

“Let’s play name the voice actor!”

“Okay, go.”

<She looks at IMDB on her phone.> “Okay, who plays Imelda?”

“Who?”

“Puss’ adoptive mum.”

“Hmmm, tough one. She sounds familiar…”

<Fifteen minutes pass.>

“Nope, I’m stuck. I’m going to kick myself. Go on, who is it?”

“Nobody, really. She’s not been in anything else you’d recognise.”

“This was a fun game.”

 

—- Celebrity Gossip —-

 

“Did you hear that Rupert Murdoch’s getting married to Debbie Harry?”

“I am one hundred percent certain that isn’t true.”

“I don’t mean Debbie Harry…”

“No, I highly doubt it.”

“Who’s Goldie Hawn’s daughter?”

“Erm… Kate Hudson?”

“Yes. Her.”

“That doesn’t… I’m not sure that’s right either.”

<Sighs. Turns off light.>

“Oh, whatever. The point is that Richard Murdoch is marrying someone or other.”

“Rupert.”

 

—- Necrowhat? —-

 

“Natalie Portman turned out okay, didn’t she?”

“Not all child stars go mental.”

“I bet you can’t name three that didn’t.”

“Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Hillary Duff, Clare Danes.”

“Name three more.”

“Christina Aguilera, Justin Timberlake, Jodie Foster.”

“Three more.”

“Ryan Gosling, the entire cast of Harry Potter, Drew Barrymo…”

“AHA! Drew Barrymore was famously screwed up.”

“Was she?”

“Yup. She became a narcoleptic.”

<a moment of considered silence>

“She randomly falls asleep?”

“No, no. I meant she became a necrophiliac.”

“This is getting slanderous.”

“What’s the thing where you compulsively steal stuff?”

“Kleptomania.”

“That’s the one. She became a kleptomaniac.”

<five hours later>

“I was thinking of Winona Ryder.”

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