The Time I Got Stuck in Auschwitz

This is a continuation of Part One and concludes the chronicles of my time in Party Central. During my journeys to Poland, I’d noticed that the people of this fine nation don’t mess around. You know how Germans are famed for their ability to identify a problem and engineer an elegant solution to solve it? […]

The Time I Hated Driving a Car

Following on from the last missive I wrote about driving, I’m pleased to report an update: I now know how to drive. I have a car and I’m driving it. Nobody has died so far. I am hoping that this will continue. I’m yet to take my test, but fingers crossed nobody will die during […]

The Time I Learned How to Drive

This  post is brought to you by funnyfails.com, so be sure to find more lol-worthy driving memes over there!! HAHA, get it? Women are bad at driving! LOL! Anyway that’s why this image is hilarious.  In other news, I must have some hidden vagina somewhere about my person because I suck at driving. I’ve figured […]

The Time I Nearly Froze to Death in Poland

“How lohng ’til we sppose to dishemburk?” “Huh?” I was, as these stories are wont to begin, spectacularly drunk. “Dishuhm… er, disembark.” I tried again. “This bus. How long before we dishhembrr… when do we get off?” “In ten minutes,” Mike stated boldly, equally drunk but far more confident of our whereabouts. He was looking […]

The Time I Chatted to David Huntsberger

I got a Skype call from LA comedian David Huntsberger  the other night. It was about 3:00AM and I was napping in my office chair at the time. I heard the ubiquitous Skype tone, snapped awake, wiped the gunk from my oculars, and instantly answered the call, because it’s David Huntsberger and I’ll never pass […]

The Time I Ordered A Cork Board

ME & BOSS “How are you settling in, Zeke? The office is really taking shape! Are you missing anything?” “A world globe that flips open to reveal a hidden gin bar would about top it off, I reckon.” “Anything realistic and/or reasonable?” “Actually and in all seriousness, I could really do with a second monitor.” […]

The Time I Discovered a Cat-Stealing Conspiracy

One of the most heartbreaking truths I have to face on a near-daily basis is that I love every single cat on the planet and they’ll never even know. As such, the converse is also true: if someone harms a cat, I want nothing more than to run a length of barbed wire from their […]

The Time I Weighed Up Freelance Vs. Salaried Work

“Do you think the company needs a Twitter account?” Freelance: “Oh, absolutely! Especially in this day and age. In fact, I’m surprised you’ve survived without one – I’ll be happy to set one up and maintain it for you. About £500 a month should cover it. Salaried: “Not really. That sounds like it’d be a […]

The Time I Got Kicked Out of a Maltese Casino

This is a continuation of the Adventures of Night Guy. If you haven’t already, click here for part one. —————- “Hit.” Mrs. Iddon had doubled down on a pair of queens. It was a huge bet – most of her money was riding on this one, and if it came good, she’d make £80. That’s a lot […]

The Time I Awoke Night Guy

Catching Night Guy on camera is a very rare occurance. Everyone, meet Night Guy. Here’s the deal with him. First off, we need to start with Regular Zeke. Regular Zeke is a very introverted guy that has engineered his entire life around solitude. He’s not introverted because he’s shy or unconfident; he’s just fine with his own company […]

The Time I Refused to Dance

The only time you’ll ever see me dancing is if there has been a hell of a lot of absinthe flowing. Because if you think you saw me dancing, you’ve had a gallon of the stuff. It wasn’t me. Stop imagining me dancing and go home. You’re drunk. This is the only time anyone has ever […]

The Time We Helped a Billionaire

“What the hell is that?” I was talking to a random Maltese guy outside a bar, pointing across the horizon of Mellieha bay at the gigantic yacht sitting in the middle of the harbour. “Oh, you didn’t hear? That’s Paul Allen’s megayacht.” “The co-founder of Microsoft?” “Yeah, The Octopus. It cost him $300 million, and […]

Conversations with Mrs. Iddon, Pt. 2

“Becky at work is going on holiday.” “Becky Greer? The other paralegal?” “No, Becky Morris.” “I don’t know who that is.” “No, you’ve never met her.” “Well, shit. I’m hooked. Where is she going?” “She’s off on a city break.” “Where to?” “Europe?” “You don’t sound sure.” “Might not be Europe.” “Which? You just narrowed […]

Conversations With Mrs. Iddon, Pt. 1

—- New Kettle —- “We need to replace that kettle. They do the same model in town for £25.” “The same model? That’s pretty good.” “Yeah, Russell Brand.” “That’s the comedian. You mean Russell Hobbs.” “No, I mean Russell Howard.” “Also a comedian. It’s Russell Hobbs.” “George Foreman.” “He makes the grills.” “George Formby, then.” “Musician. The make of the kettle is Russell Hobbs.” “Huh.” […]

The Time A Psychopath Came to Tea

I offered him a hot bowl of beef stew, because it was the least I could do for an Internet friend in his position. I’d been acquaintances with the guy for quite some time online – actually, I wasn’t sure if the person behind the Twitter handle was a guy given the androgynous avatar, non-descript […]